Thursday, January 10, 2013

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs? 
After the Hotdog Massacre of 1932, Old McDonald declared hotdogs to be dangerous and thus they can't be served at any of his restaurants.

At a movie theater which arm rest is yours? 

The arm of the law because it is the longest.

What is Satan's last name? 


Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. 

Maybe you should looks up the word "doctor" in the dictionary.

Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes? 

They are given clay toes to hold and that's where the tag goes.

If you're driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony? 

The real question is where are your children at this hour of the night.

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"? 

It's not available in the state of denial.

If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity? 

You would be dead.

If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin? 
They were not the one who bought the coffin, sweetie. 

If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and you're the main witness, what if you say "no"? 
You get spanked.

Do they bury people with their braces on? 

No, they give the braces to the next lucky child.

Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves? 

There is an infinite chain of dentists, each owing their servitude to the next dentist.

If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?

Yes, all employees at IHOP must sacrifice one leg to the Pancake Gods. They use the meat in their sausages. 
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron? 

This is the classification that the King declared.

Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it. 

The artificial flavor that you experience is the way real grapes wish they could taste like.

If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired? 

If it's 2013 then definitely.

Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him? 

He is lonely in his Soul.

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? 

Animals are round.

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor? 

Because they can walk through walls, disappear, and fly.

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

That's racist.

Can animals commit suicide? 

If they have seen the things I have seen, of course.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

You stop the animal from eating the plant and offer up yourself as it's next meal.

If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

More doctors would descend from the ceiling to assist.

Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

Because if you are outside the home you are an Outsider and don't deserve to see nice things.

Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?

If the ice is on hot water it will surely be quite thin.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
The story of Easter is the tale of the bunny who became one with the Bird family and learned their ways through hard work and determination.

Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

That's racist.

Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?

Have you ever tasted them? Jol is an emotion that is clear to the tongue.

Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person? 

If their shoes are tall enough, of course.

If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?

They wear one on their eyebrows.

If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated? 

Yes, this is why cows only exist in cold climates such as Norway.

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
Time zones are a human construction. There are no human civilizations in space, thus time zones do not exist.

When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
Fish are lighting gods.

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
It is comforting to babies to know that they will have a worthy death someday.

What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?

Phil Urich

Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?

Cannibals can be arrested for being cannibals.

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

The state of championship is the wisest time of a person's life.

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

More ambulances descend from the skies to assist.

Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?

Everyone likes that smell.

Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

That's racist

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

You MUST do these both at the same time or real harm can come to you. If you wake up without opening your eyes you will find yourself lost in the darkness. If you open your eyes without waking up you will become a zombie and consume your family. KEEP THIS IN MIND.

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

Close to his heart.

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

You turn him into a lizard.

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
So that you can finish the story. You can be the master of the tale now. It is you that has inherited the right to let the journey continue.

Why can't donuts be square? 

Sharp edges are dangerous.

Do people in prison celebrate halloween.... if so how? 
Yes, they celebrate the correct way by honoring those who have died among them in captivity.

What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king?
That's racist.

How come cats butts go up when you pet them?

The  butt is happy to see you.

How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway? 

The job is done by ghosts.

Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins? 

That's racist

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
They wish you to die.

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